Tomorrow I turn 43!!!!! My birthday present to myself is to take this week and completely revamp my website and catch up on projects that I have fallen behind on. 2020 has three months remaining and I plan to live them to the fullest. This past seven or eight months have been full of so many emotions, including fear, anxiety, frustration and depression. As a single mother of two, there were so many times that I masked my feelings to be strong for my daughters. I had to also mask my feelings as I taught my students online. I also masked my feelings when talking to family who is 1000 miles away so that they wouldn’t worry about me (or so I thought). For me, not fully acknowledging my feelings and taking care of myself first is nothing new but it is something I am definitely leaving behind this year. When you do not properly address how things effect you and when you push through and continue to function as you usually do (at least it appears that way to everyone else), at some point you will break down. The expectations of a “strong” person can be overwhelming at times! People will express disappointment in your moments of weakness as if you are not entitled to ever falter or fail. That is why it is important for people who love to give their time and resources and put others first to set boundaries in their personal lives, at work, and at home.
Around June, I began to hit a wall. Virtual teaching had drained me but I knew that I must find summer work to catch up on the bills. Now that we were at home, The utilities skyrocketed and the food bill more than doubled. I started the quarantine off visiting food banks and waiting in long lines but opportunity came knocking. I was beyond blessed this summer. Art related work poured in. For the most part I was managing everything! But I must say that between the media coverage of all of the social injustice occurring and the effects of Covid -19, I began to feel overwhelmed and I slowly started to shut down. To someone looking in from the outside there was probably not much change. I was still smiling, taking pictures (I am the selfie queen), and getting up to sign on for work everyday. But inside I felt like I was dying. With every video I watched of another innocent black man or woman being brutally beaten or denied basic rights I grew more depressed. With every person that I knew who succumbed to Covid or other unrelated causes I cried for days. I found myself consuming and absorbing more negative images and thoughts than I was able to process.
Fast forward to August when the debate began about returning to school. Never did I ever think that it would be rocket science on figuring out when and if schools would open at the beginning of the year. No preparation was done, so in my mind virtual learning was going to continue at least through the first quarter. I was definitely wrong in that thinking. I allowed the back and forth that has occurred for the past month and a half to drain me mentally and emotionally. I literally got to a point where I felt completely empty inside.
I am blessed to have wonderful parents and friends. I realized that I had fallen back into a depression that cycles and I needed to do something drastic to start feeling better. The first thing that I did was start being honest about my feelings with anyone who was listening. I made a few posts on social media about how I felt. I started making sure that everyday I took at least thirty minutes to myself with no electronics or people...just me! I stopped looking at the negative videos on social media and I have almost completely tuned out the news.
I had to force myself to sit down and paint. I have been through this before and what I am about to say is the actual purpose of my post. ARTISTS MUST PROTECT THEIR PEACE!!!! When I set out on this journey to be a self sustaining artist who no longer had to teach for income, I thought that it would be easier than it has been. I have worked very hard and built myself up to point where I can say that yes, I am an artist by profession (I just still need this teaching job for the meantime). When I am not creating and selling, my daughters and I are not living comfortably! I have let people, their opinions, outside issues and all types of other distractions violate my peace of mind. Some might say that violate is a strong word, but in my mind it is accurate. I have learned from everything that I have experienced in the first 42 years of life and tomorrow I will step into 43 completely guilt free with the PEACE OF MIND that I need to be the best person, mother, daughter, sister, artist, teacher, mentor, and friend that I can be. I am definitely leaving behind the people and things that I have outgrown. But, I am celebrating all that I have gained.
